Wib Newton, Author at Amarillo Family Institute

This is Really Part B

Today was a long day. We were finally able to come to a plan on how to help the family of focus. The community has really wanted to do the right thing for them but just didn’t have the expertise to tackle it. A plan now is set and I think it really looks good. The mother is in much better shape than when I first arrived and will be able to handle the issues at hand in a good way. I have told her that if at any time she feels confused or needs a resource to give me a shout. In fact, I have told all the leaders the same thing which they deeply appreciate.

Janice didn’t get to make cheese or make bread but she did enjoy helping out in the kitchen with all the girls. As you can tell by the picture I did get an opportunity to drive the buggy. We will add this to our list of unique experiences along side of teaching in a auction barn, washing dishes in a dry sink, and cooking on a wood burning stove. The picture is also special because of who took it. The Amish are not to have a picture taken of themselves nor are they permitted to take pictures. Someone did me a very special favor on the sly.

While I was sitting on the porch catching some cool air, Janice called me inside to see the “refrigerator”. Jake and Fannie had tapped into a spring which has never stopped since they arrived 15 years ago. They pipped it into their kitchen, collected the water into a custom built cabinet and used the water to keep their foods cool. It wasn’t frigid but it was cool enough to keep things like Mayo, butter, etc..

The Amish were into “green” before we even knew what it was. Everything is natural or organic. All the breads are whole grains. No pesticides or insecticides on their plants and no hormones in their animals. This community is very much into oils and natural medicine when possible but also not afraid to visit a doctor when needed.

Tonight was a very hot night in the auction barn but at least the mic was working. I had to change or redefine certain words so they could understand. “Inadequate”, “humiliated” and “intelligent” were just a few that I could remember. “Cooperation” is also a word that was foreign but not the concept.

The word that they did not understand that surprised me was “emotion”. They knew “feelings” but not emotions. I visited with one of the older men in the community (40’s) and he said the entire concept of designating words for feelings was hard. He wanted to learn but it was like learning a different language.

They sang Amazing Grace tonight in English, I think just for us. Janice looked in one of their German hymnals only to find no music notes. They had another hymnal that was thicker and it had many hymns that she recognized, but still no notes. We think the tunes have been handed down through the years.

The group is beginning to sense that our time together will soon be ending. Thank you notes and special gifts are coming our way. Some are small like loaves of bread and others are larger like the handwoven picnic basket.

Tomorrow will be our last day with them for while… only for a while. Bishop Sam said that he hoped that we were feeling as welcomed and loved as he did when he was at The Hideaway Experience. If he felt the way I am feeling, he really felt deeply loved.

My Amish Adventure: Day 5, General Insights (Part B)

Living Wisely

My ‘Amish Adventure: Day 5, Some General Insights (Part A)

Living Wisely

During last night’s talk, one of the Amish women leaned over to Janice and asked her age. When Janice told her that she was 57, the young lady of 35 asked how she kept up her looks. She wanted to know where her gray hair was and then Janice showed her by pointing out her roots. The woman laughed and said, “Oh, you cover them up!”

She went on to say how much she appreciated how Janice was dressed. Janice walked into this adventure very concerned not to offend the community by her dress even though we were both assured that we could wear anything we wanted… except for a bikini. I assured them that I would not wear one and that I really didn’t look good in one anyway.

Janice was told how nice and “plain” she looked. In our society that would not be a compliment but in this culture it was high praise, especially for an English. Janice had decided not to wear makeup or jewelry. She pulled her hair up in a type of floppy bun, and wore a long, mid-calf, loosely fitted dress. She did wear sandals but her toes were not painted a bright color. This effort endeared the ladies to her.

One lady had shared with me that in her family as she was growing up, her mom and dad wanted the community to see them with great honor. So, her mother would make their clothes more baggy and more rumpled than the others. This is just the opposite of what we would do in our culture. I guess it would be like those whom Jesus spoke of who fasted and would display actions to let everyone know what they were doing. Piety comes in all flavors.

The community will be having a wedding in a few months even though it has not yet been announced. I talked to one young man who has been dating his girlfriend for several years. There are striving to be pure in their relationship which is why they have decided to marry before he is 21. A financial arrangement is being hammered out with his father because the Amish way is to have all the young men’s income go to their families until they reach 21. By doing this, the boys of the family are doing their part in helping the family survive. It makes me think how much we have trained our children to be selfish and entitled.

The boys and girls who are not married must sit separately in public events if they are dating. However, they can date and be alone with each other (scratch head here). At one time the Amish practiced the ritual of “bundling” which would place two teenagers in the same bed with one being wrapped in a blanket or at least a board between them to help them avoid the temptation of having sex. This practice (bundling, not sex) was usually reserved for the winter months and the couple was to spend all night “talking”. They don’t practice this much anymore, at least in this community and the teens really do try to keep their relationships pure.

While the children have plenty of time to play, they also have lots of responsibilities. The girls all help around the house and even do some outside chores like picking the garden, cutting the grass, and pulling weeds. There are no classes on how to cook, can, sew or clean. They just work side by side with their mother and older siblings. There is a hierarchy in the kitchen with usually the mother giving directions. The women I have observed are very clear and direct in their instructions. The children know they are to obey without a complaint. To watch these ladies throughout the day is to watch a well-organized team complete a task.

The major rooms in the homes we have been in are the kitchen and the living area. Both of these rooms are large and uncluttered. There might be a plague with a verse or wise saying propped up on a table and possibly a small vase with a wildflower sticking out. I have been meeting with the leaders in the living rooms which have always been adjacent to the kitchen. While there is a wood burning stove (a Prairie Princess) inside the kitchen for cooking, this is not used in the summer. Another room which is connected to the kitchen is more exposed to the outside and is used for all their cooking in the summer.

Enough for now. Look for part B of this blog.

My Amish Adventure: Day 4, Keeping Up With The Need

Living Wisely

I arrived at Jake and Fanny’s house located across from one of the many saw mills in the area. The lawn had just been mowed very short by two of their girls (8 & 10), with the old fashioned rotating push mowers. Also, as usual, unless you were working in the fields or shop, no shoes were being worn. The children do have shoes but they were encouraged to go barefoot throughout the summer to cut down on this costly expense.

The morning was much like before, working with the leaders of the church as they determine how to best serve the family in need. They are becoming more aware that they have been working harder at trying to get the family healthy than the family has. The community is realizing they can only do so much and other outside resources must be called in for them. It only took a few phone calls until I found several great resources at a very reasonable price within 12 miles.

While some Amish find a way to make a very good living, most squeeze out a modest income. $2000/month is pretty common and combined with their frugal lifestyle, they survive very nicely. Practicality and simplicity are the principles by which they live. That is especially important with 13 children.

I met Mr. Hershberger today. He is about 62 and with his wife Anna, were the first to move in the area. Their family began to migrate to this part of Ohio and began the community around 15 years ago. He and his wife were blessed with 19 children. One was lost at childbirth and they are about to lose Mary, 43. Mary never walked or talked, yet the family took such good care of her. They expect her to die any day now. Fanny says the community is already preparing for the funeral. She was precisely pleating all of her girls white bonnets which will be worn by every female. The men will be wearing their black hats.

As in most cases, when an “expert” comes in to talk about a subject like relationships, people want to pull that expert to the side and talk. I keep telling the people who want to talk that I cannot counsel them but I would certainly be willing to listen and direct them to some good resources. My days and nights have been filling up with appointments. The need is great as they seem hungry for knowledge on how to do marriage right. There is no divorce among the Amish, but the marriages are often empty. They are eating up what they are hearing.

This seems especially true for the young brides in the community. I have asked people to write any questions they might have on an index card and hand it to me. Last night, I was handed two questions. Tonight, eight questions were handed to either Janice or myself, all by women in their 20’s. The concept of the couple working together as a team and treating each other with honor and respect is music to their ears.

Tomorrow is going to be full as my time with them begins to wind down. Janice is going to come with me and help Fanny make cheese and bread. A buggy ride is also on our schedule. Tomorrow night should be another interesting night. The crowds are growing ( over 100 tonight). I still can’t believe I’m here.

My Amish Adventure: Day 3, A Glimpse Behind the Curtain

Living Wisely

After a 50 degree night in the hills of eastern Ohio, I pulled up to Sam’s house for another day of ministry. We started with a prayer and drove to a house where two families greeted me. The first family was hosting the day’s events while the other was a major reason for my coming.

It seems as though sin in the form of anger and all forms of abuse can happen even in a society that has worked hard to create peace and harmony. Again, while I am listening to pains I am also training a family who is greatly respected in the community. There is a certain spirit that evokes confidence and reassurance. This couple has it. My goal will be to help them realize what they are doing that is so approachable so they can repeat it on purpose.

After the morning session and another meal with more people around the table than at the Last Supper, I took a walk with the oldest son of the family of focus. While walking for a while and talking about how much he had increased his smoking of cigars (only cigarettes with white paper are frowned upon), we stopped in a work barn and found a place to sit. There I found myself doing the kind of helping that I love. Nothing formal. Easy and relaxed talking with no real agenda except to listen. I was with a young man looking for guidance but finding no one he could trust within his community. I was thankful he could find such a person in me. My job will be to help the community know how to be trustworthy and safe with such an angry young man who does not want to be controlled. These people are learning that their good intentions can actually be more harmful than good.

His father was not around and would not be around for several years. All this left the family in turmoil and in deep pain. I did not expect to find here another example of the negative affects of an absent father. But I did.

After a short afternoon break, I drove to the next appointment. Several miles on a two lane road, led me to a two story framed white house with a welcoming front porch. Their barn and workshop were close by, nestled in the midst of tall timbered rolling hills. A half acre garden was just behind the house and one of several buggies were standing ready for the evening’s travels. Four children were entertaining themselves with scooters and chasing butterflies. A dog was resting on the porch preparing for his duties tonight of keeping the deer and other varmints away from their garden.

After exchanging greetings, we were eventually led to another vast dinner table. Six (or seven) boys set next to the wall on a long bench. The other side was filled with three girls, mom (Cevilla) who was attending a baby, and my wife Janice. it seems that the women sit where they can get up and down easily so to serve where needed. Mose and I headed each end of the table. I have been placed opposite of the father at each meal I have attended. I am assuming that this is a place of honor. Two boys, whose work was closer to the meeting house for the evening, chose not to be there for supper so they could be at the meeting on time.

After a great meal of venison sausage, homemade bread and sloppy Joe cooked on a wood burning stove, we topped the meal off with homemade Elderberry pie and butternut ice cream. Then it was time for the meeting.

About 25 horse drawn buggies pulled up to an auction barn that had been cleared for this special meeting. Mostly young couples and teenagers with a sprinkling of gray hairs filled half of the risers. I was given a wireless mike and told to present on the floor level where livestock were usually displayed. Fortunately, no one bid on me.

The night was filled with everyone leaning in and soaking up every word I said. I tried hard to give examples that they could relate to like Jesus did when he talked to all those farmers of the day. I talked about cultivators left in the rain, sugar forgotten at the store, and people who say they will help with canning but do more talking than helping. I think they appreciated my efforts and often gifted me with their laughter. Especially when I accidentally bumped into their reality that they had never before knew how to express with words.

After I finished my talk and led the group of about 75 in prayer, they wanted to do one more thing. They had carried with them their hymnals the size of a pocket dictionary. They wanted to praise God in song. They had chosen the song, and at the appropriate time, a man began singing alone. He sang a phrase, followed by a response from the group. This was all in Pennsylvania Dutch and it lasted for about 5 minutes. He would introduce what must have been a first phrase and this was followed with everyone singing in a united response. There were crescendos with abrupt endings followed by the lone voice beginning another verse. While Janice and I could not understand a word, we heard heartfelt praise in its simplest form. No guitar and no one waving hands of direction. Simple praise.

Afterwards, I moved outside and before I realized it, about 20 young men in their late teens had circled around me. They said nothing. In a silence they have grown comfortable in, they simply looked at me. I wasn’t sure if they were really cannibals sizing me up for their next meal or if they wanted more of what I had to say. Either way, tonight they seemed to leave wanting more.

Janice and I are sitting around a camp fire crafting this blog together. We look forward to what tomorrow brings.

My Amish Adventure: Day 2, Different Culture but Same Pains

Marriage & Family

On day two of my time with the Amish, we arrive on schedule at my host family’s home. They had already been up for four hours and finished their morning chores of feeding the animals, starting the kitchen activities along with the host of other duties needed to keep the farm moving.

I had been scheduled to have three meetings this day. The first was with a major focus of the community’s concern. It was woman who was struggling beyond the Amish’s ability to help. Sam, the Bishop of the Amish community, his wife Clara, the woman and I sat in a room about 20’x20’. We were all sitting about 12’ to 15’ apart, a distance to which I was not accustomed but might represent the distance between our cultures. Clara sat in her starched solid color dress held together by straight pins (buttons not allowed), serene in her extra starched white bonnet with strings dangling, black hose and black shoes. The other woman was also in starched garb trying to hold with Amish traditions but appeared more disheveled. Sam sat comfortably in his blue shirt and black pants at a desk with his back turned slightly away from the process as if trying to be invisible. In his way, he was trying to help the other woman feel safe also.

Feeling safe while being emotionally vulnerable with each other is a major challenge within their culture. Boundaries are often unhealthy as the well-doers take on too much responsibility for other’s issues. Sometimes their over-involvement is not appreciated but that concern is not often voiced. While once traveling with Jake, Sam’s brother, he commented on how wide open the canyon and terrain was in the Texas Panhandle. I remarked to him how my wife feels smothered in Ohio by all the tall trees. He replied that the trees make him feel safe. It is interesting how one person can feel smothered and another safe in the same environment. This other woman was feeling smothered and this was confusing to the Amish community.

As an outsider, I knew my major task was to just be present, safe and approachable. I wanted to display for Sam and Clara how to be safer for people which in turn would help them be more open. Openness in areas where there might be a lot of pain, is not a treasured commodity for the Amish. The way I showed them how to do this was to talk to Clara with the other lady in the room. She was watching me very closely.

Because of my history with Sam and Clara, Clara was ready to talk openly. She talked about the things she had learned at The Hideaway and how she had been applying the principles. She had found herself stuck in one area and we hammered it out together. All the while, the other lady was watching, listening and sporadically writing on a notepad she held tightly in her hands.

Then, without fanfare, the other lady got up and changed her seat. She now sat almost directly in front me, which was a change from her previous position out of my line of sight. She was ready to talk. While what she talked about was important to her, I couldn’t help but see a clear reality. We were living in different cultures and her story was clearly hers, and the pain was all too familiar. The human condition is truly universal. No exceptions, no matter how far you try to isolate yourself. The same pains show up.

We talked about 2 hours and I was very careful not to give advice. She had had enough of that already. She was just looking for a safe environment to express her pain. All the while I would stop and explain to Sam and Clara what I was doing that allowed this pain-filled woman to share. I did this in front of everyone hoping that the three of them would learn how to be safe to others.

It was lunch time (dinner), we all ate together and enjoyed our visit. We began and ended our meal with a silent prayer of thanksgiving. No getting up from the table until everyone had eaten and God had been appropriately recognized. The television was not blaring in the background and the children were not hitting each other. A real delight.

The afternoon was filled with another meeting of the leaders of the community. The Bishop, the Deacon and several church members. All with their spouses which numbered around 20, filled another home’s meeting room. This time, I was there to advise them on how to deal with difficult people and situations. As I listened to their concerns it sounded just like many other meetings I had been involved with church leaders. Again, similar issues regardless of the culture.

We ended this meeting with another meal. Men served themselves first, making open face sandwiches of fried venison patties. The men scattered to the meeting room or too the porch. The women and female children stayed in the kitchen fixing their sandwiches after the men. The boys were all outside doing something, surely all productive.

I was invited to their church service to be held the following day, Sunday. This is not an invitation given to everyone, yet I declined. My Pennsylvania Dutch and High German is a little rusty, so I was afraid I wouldn’t get much out of the service. I was however, again honored that they would invite me into this part of their lives. I can’t wait to see what Monday brings.