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My dad believed that one of his responsibilities as a father was to teach his three sons how to work. Moving a yard of dirt from one side of the house to the other or digging out the stumps at the root was not an everyday request, but happened often enough to develop a pretty good work ethic. We learned to roll up sleeves, ignore our desire to quit and work through the pain. Good lessons to learn for any young man.

Then one day, dad brought home a saw that demanded two people work together to accomplish falling a particularly large tree in our backyard. He handed it to my brother, Daryl, who was two years younger than me and told us to go out and cut the tree down. Now, as most brothers close together in age, we were very competitive with each other. Cooperation between us was as common as the smell of ocean air in the Ohio Valley in West Virginia. There were lots of smells, but that was not one.

What followed was a lot of arguing and frustration. We both knew how to work alone, but not together. We both had our way of doing it and were barking orders to the other about how they were to manage their side of the saw. Needless to say, what should have taken 30 minutes, took us at least two hours. Our knuckles were bloody from beating them against the tree. Our palms blistered from working the saw way too hard. The tree fell and we never picked up the saw again. Oh, we cut trees down again. But it was just easier to make it a one man job as far as we were concerned.

Part of our problem was that we never really saw each other as part of a team. I was the oldest, so he should have followed my direction. I outranked him. He was the youngest, so he had to prove he was as qualified to be the boss as I was. As long as we fought over who was going to call the shots, the only thing that was getting cut down was each other. Sarcasm and insults filled our backyard that day… more than usual.

Many couples are just like Daryl and me on that cool fall day in our back yard; two individuals seeking only to outrank the other. No teamwork. In fact, as Daryl and I didn’t figure out that day, we were really on the same team. Competition had no place in the activity of the day if we were going to accomplish our task successfully.

Ephesians 5:21ff is a great passage that points to a whole different way of doing life together in marriage. Instead of trying to outrank or “out do” the other, we are to really try to out serve the other.  This is a real challenge because this demands that I have my partner’s best interest at heart… not mine. If I serve my wife in order to get something else, I’m really controlling or manipulating. If I serve her the way I would like to be served, I still don’t have her best interest at heart. It is like that power tool I bought her on her birthday that I couldn’t wait to use.  Nor can I demand to be served. Whoa! That is about as selfish as you can get.

When two people are striving to serve each other, the team wins. The tree falls. Vicious words are not spoken or even thought. Knuckles might still get bruised but it was all part of completing the task. The relationship and the task at hand become the priorities, not proving to the other that your thought or needs out rank theirs.

John Gottman, in his book The Science of Trust, discovered that trust is when you believe that: #1, you can count on the other person to be there and #2, you know they have your best interest at heart. That sure sounds like Ephesians 5. It sure sounds like a team. It sure sounds like I need to check where my heart is. If I really have the best interest of my spouse at heart, then I am going to listen to her, work with her and move toward her in cooperation. If I can be counted on by her then I need to stay reliably engaged with her and resist the temptation to throw up my hands and withdraw. This is the opposite of taking charge, getting what I want; arguing that my way of thinking and doing is the best.

If Daryl and I had only trusted each and put our own selfishness and agendas to the side, the victory we felt when the tree finally did fall would have been much more celebratory. We would have accomplished a great victory and our relationship would have become even stronger. Instead, when the tree fell, we walked away glad it was over and the tension between unresolved. What a stupid way to do life!

From “Healthy Love To The Emotionally Taxing Experience Of Limerence”

Published on September 23, 2011 by Kristine Keller, M.A. in The Young and the Restless

It’s messy. It’s passionate. And the first time usually hurts the most. Studying this four-letter word is perhaps the most daunting of tasks for psychologists. I am, of course, referring to the all-consuming, universal, experience of L-O-V-E. Robert Sternberg, the leading theorist on all things amorous, has added years to our lives, saving us from reruns of 90210 (Team Dylan) and rereads of Sweet Valley High, by uncovering the mechanisms that make our hearts tick. Sternberg took the plunge into the elusive and complex nature of this topic and presents us with the triangular theory of love (Get out your protractor!). This three-prong theory maintains that there are three components of love, which form a triangle and that these elements are the building blocks for the various types of love that we endure.

The first side of the triangle is intimacy, which includes feelings of communication, support, and friendship that characterize warm, loving relationships. The next is passion, which takes the form of physical feelings of desire- essentially the heat and intensity typical of the beginning stages of a relationship. The final component, commitment, completes the triangle and is marked by the decision to remain devoted to one’s partner and to work through any problems that may arise; this constituent of the triangle is what allows a relationship to sustain itself even during fluctuations of passion and intimacy. Of course, no experience is the same for any pair of individuals, so we say that that the triangle comes in various shapes and sizes with each of the three components varying in intensity during stages of a relationship. Psychologists have characterized all kinds of different experiences- from “empty love,” when a couple is high in commitment, but lacks any intimacy and passion, to “infatuation,” when the passion is pumping but in the absence of any intimacy or commitment.

Although these are simplistic notions of love, Sternberg concedes that love is a multifaceted experience and usually the three sides of the triangle work in tandem to form more complex experiences. Typically a couple that experiences high intimacy and passion is on the road to “romantic love.” If this stage of love feels like a high to you, that’s because it is. This honeymoon stage of a relationship is marked by feelings of intense euphoria and the release of our reward-activation neurotransmitters, like dopamine. If you have ever found yourself in a trance-like state whereby your person of interest is the only thing on your mind and you engage in 20-minute conversations with friends, but haven’t heard a word they’ve said, there is scientific evidence to support that you are (insane?) experiencing a normal stage of love.

This passionate stage of a relationship is the one in which Western societies place a huge emphasis, so much so,  that people refuse to marry without it. In fact, in Western societies some only marry with this ONE component present (Sorry Khole and Lamar, I do love your pistachio commercial though). However, coupled with commitment, it is the component of the triangle that, if we are lucky, lasts in some form. Usually after around six to twenty-four months though, the feelings of intense euphoria dissipate to a normal degree, which is actually beneficial for both your productivity and sanity.

Get to the point of all this you say! This brings me to my point (sometimes I need to be pushed), what if this euphoric, love-crazy component lasted indefinitely? And what if this stage of love was unrequited? I came across an article presented in a popular magazine, which discussed Limerence, a condition that affects five percent of the population. To give you the cliff notes version, a woman recounts in first-person a previous relationship in which she dated a man happily for six months until he ended things. The woman describes feelings of intense grief during these days apart and after eight months sent him an e-mail only to learn that he was engaged to another woman. This news generated feelings of sickness in the form of dry-heaving, chest pains, heart palpitations, insomnia, lethargy, and an inability to consume food. Upon experiencing these symptoms she was informed by a therapist that she fit the profile for Limerence, which Albert Wakin, a leading expert on Limerence and Professor of Psychology at Sacred Heart University, defines as an involuntary and incessant state of “compulsory longing for another person.”

As aforementioned, although most feel intense euphoria and experience the release of dopamine, oxytocin, and elevated levels of testosterone and estrogen at the beginning of a relationship, these hormone levels eventually return to normal after six to twenty-four months. However, those who suffer from Limerence are permanently trapped in this stage of euphoria and their cognitions and behaviors become obsessive and compulsive. Although recovery research on this condition is relatively inchoate, individuals can undergo a combination of medication and therapy to combat symptoms of Limerence. Those who are impacted can enter treatment involving cognitive behavioral therapy as well as take antidepressants, which inhibits the part of the brain that is responsible for obsessive thoughts.

Although the medication and therapy are providing promising results, the leading experts on Limerence ascertain that usually individuals suffer Limerence for three to five years. However, in some cases Limerence can last for decades. Albert Wakin even states that one patient who suffers from Limerence has had the condition for nearly 60 years. Although not recognized yet in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders, 4th edition (DSM-IV), some researchers hope that the condition will be added for the forthcoming manual due in 2013.

After reading this article I immediately formed a litany of questions regarding this diagnosis. I reached out to Professor Wakin and he was kind enough to respond to some of my questions. Professor Wakin ascertains that Limerence can happen to anyone- this includes all age groups, both genders, and those from various socioeconomic levels. He also mentioned that the woman referenced in the popular women’s magazine is doing quite well and that one of the most effective approaches to eradicating Limerence is to completely disconnect from the ex-paramour.

However, the condition of Limerence is ripe with room for dialogue. First and foremost, is this an actual condition or are we merely giving people an excuse for letting their thoughts go into overdrive? Secondly, since some antidepressant medications have shown to work in inhibiting the obsessive thoughts, is Limerence actually an extension or unique sub-type of depression? Can disconnecting from the person of interest really eliminate these maladaptive symptoms?

It is also possible that this condition is an exacerbation of an anxious style of attachment (in-depth attachment post to come). Lastly, although it is possible to impact both genders, I imagine that there is a large disparity between men and women. According to Professor Wakin, brain-imaging research as well as screening devices are currently underway to further delineate our understanding of Limerence. Professor Wakin also states that this condition is widely misunderstood and misinterpreted (one dictionary even describes Limerence as emotionally exciting-I think the aforementioned woman would beg to differ) and that further empirical research is in progress to yield a more comprehensive understanding of this condition. He notes that there are several parallels between Limerence and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as well as Substance Dependence and future research should illuminate these similarities. Furthermore, it is imperative that individuals do not equate “infatuation” with “Limerence” as the two are distinct experiences and although euphoria may play a role in both, it is Limerence that leads to deleterious consequences, whereas more pleasant emotions are derived from “infatuation.”

Read more about this at Joe Beam’s Blog.

How do you get older and not get grumpier? How do you reach 60 years old and beyond filled with an attitude that brings joy to people around you and peace inside of you.

This is a big question! I would imagine AARP magazine is filled with articles on how to thrive at this time of your life. In those articles you might find hints like:

• Find a new hobby
• Make new friends
• Join a club or church
• Volunteer
• Travel
• Spend more time with grandchildren
• ETC.

I personally like each of these and have begun to do some. But let’s slow down the “Stay Busy” train just for a moment and consider something a little deeper. Why might you get grumpy in the first place? What is going on inside or around you that would cause you to be such a prickly pear? Let’s consider a few possibilities.

Unresolved pain. I am not talking about the dull throb you still have from the knee replacement. I am talking the kind of pain that comes from dreams unmet, relationships lost, and hopes crushed. These kind of pains can linger for a very long time and chip away at even the most positive of attitudes.

Examples of this kind of unresolved pain is legion. A child that took a wrong turn and has not returned; a marriage that was destroyed and dissolved; an injury or illness that turned a life upside down; or a failed career or business are just a few possibilities.

When you planned your life out when you were in your 20’s, these were not on the schedule. Yet, when they happen, one’s resilience is challenged. You recognize what you have control over and what you don’t. You are faced with letting go of the things you had no control over and learning from them all.

What you really need to be careful of is when the pain gets stuck in the mire of resentment or negative self-talk (I’m a failure, not good enough, worthless, etc.). This will rob all joy from your life and it is probably the #1 reason why old people get grumpy.

The solution: Identify and resolve the issues. Put a name to whatever is still in your gut and put it to rest. It is slowly killing you from the inside out. LET IT GO.

Loneliness.  It used to be said that women had a larger social network than men, so men would end up more alone than women as they grew older. While the statistics will continue to prove this as true, my experience is that even women today are finding themselves with fewer friends with which to enjoy their retirement years.

I use to laugh at the group of old men sitting in the restaurant taking up space sipping on their coffee one day a week without miss. Then I realized how important that time is for them. They probably have known each other for years from working together, going to church together, or even graduating the 6^thgrade with each other. It doesn’t matter how they found each other, the fact that they gather and laugh together is priceless.

As I recall some of my favorite times in my life, it was I was with a bunch of guys just having fun. The float trips in Arkansas; the weekly breakfasts with some of the guys I was working with; the nights sipping wine and laughing with the Johnnie and Janie, Cathy and Rusty. We need community. We are built to be with others.

Solution: Connect, join, and initiate contact. Find people to do life with and refuse to allow yourself to be that isolated person that comes out of their house only to check their shadow once a year.

Selfishness. It is all about you. Poor you. It is about your aches, your pains, your disappointments. Do you notice that in the conversations you might have with others that you end up high jacking it to focus on you?

Get out of yourself! Listen deeply to others and make it all about them. Volunteer at the hospitals or other agencies that serve others.

I knew of a lady in her 80’s that every holiday since her husband died, she would get extremely depressed. Then one Thanksgiving she decided to help serving meals at the Salvation Army. That same Christmas she wrapped Christmas presents at a local agency that was preparing to give them to less fortunate children. These service projects changed this older woman’s life. She began to make it about others. Joy revisited her again.

Negative Attitude. This might be when the thinking habits of a lifetime really begin to become glaring. Are you a negative person or a positive one? Before you answer that, ask the people who are around you most about how they see you. You might be surprised by the answer.

Turn off the news. Read the comics. Listen to uplifting music (60’s hits were great).Take walks, talk to people and smile at everyone. Be playful with the child in the next booth. Little things can help us shine light into our own dark souls as well as in others. You might not be able to keep a bird from flying over your head but you can keep it from building a nest in your hair. Don’t let negative thoughts put up an occupied sign in your brain. Sweep it out and replace it quickly with something positive and beautiful.

If you email me at wib@newhoperesources.com. I’ll be glad to give you a part of a book from Dr. Daniel Amen that he has given me permission to share. It is called ANT Therapy (Automatic Negative Thoughts). You may enjoy it.

Hopefully you will find some help here on how to avoid being that grumpy old man or woman that no one wants to be around. I would love to hear what advice you would give if asked the same question.

I am just convinced that some people think that walking out their marriage with a critical, negative bent toward their spouse is actually making their marriage better. If their spouse would just sweep the floor this way, do the laundry like they were told, shop at the other store or listen to their unsolicited instructions on doing life more intensely, their lives together would be filled with bliss. They can recount 100 things their partner does wrong and needs to correct and cannot verbalize 10 things their partner does that was good. Somehow, this is supposed to create a loving atmosphere at home? Not even close.

What causes people to be so negative; that encourages them to use their perceived “God given gift” of criticism; and to follow their criticism with control? It does seem that criticism attaches itself to control at the hip.  Let me suggest a few possibilities. First, they believe that they know how to run the universe better than anyone else. Their way of doings things is best and when someone suggests or does something different, it is met with resistance. They really do believe they know better than anyone else. It is not a matter of a preference. It is a matter of the right or wrong way of doing things and they know what is right or wrong.

I remember a man who was so frustrated with his wife because she would never make enough vegetable soup so that they could freeze the left overs. He would let her know in no uncertain terms his disgust with this pattern of hers. “I know,” I said.  “If she would just do life your way it would all be better.” He agreed and then he realized that I was being sarcastic. He did finally get the point but not until his wife quit making the soup altogether.

Second, they are filled with anxiety because they believe that if it is not done their way, the world will come to an end. The mountains will crumple, the seas will flood, and the sky will fall. They have figured that the way they do things are somehow keeping the universe in balance. Any disturbance of this balance will be catastrophic.

Third, not only do they know how to run the universe, but they are responsible for keeping it going in a positive direction. They fear being out of control and failing at their job of being Master of the Universe. That is why they walk around with their clipboard and stopwatch making sure every little detail meets their specifications. They cannot fall asleep on the job so they have to maintain their hyper-vigilance.

Last, people become hyper critical of their spouses because they really are afraid of letting them get too close. Maybe they are afraid of intimacy so they throw up quills to keep people away. I am not sure why they decided to get married but I do see them begin to unconsciously push their spouse away with their spirit of discontent. They say they want to be close to their spouse but their actions speak louder than their words.

So, for all those people who have control and critical issues… give it a rest. Control is an illusion anyway. Take it from a recovering controller. When you leave this earth, it will still spin without you. So just learn to relax a little and enjoy the ride. You will be a lot more pleasant to be around. That will probably have more of a positive influence on the atmosphere of your marriage than all your attempts to control the universe.

My dad came home from his job at the chemical plant and showed us his car. During the day, the plant had expelled some kind of pollutant into the atmosphere and it landed on all the cars surrounding the plant. The corrosive material that came out of the smokestacks had pitted the paint jobs of every single car.

It was the 1960’s and this was an example of why the Environmental Protection Agency was developed. But even though that type of pollution has decreased significantly, there is another kind of pollution that is affecting our society, even our world. These pollutants flow freely throughout much of the “civilized” countries and their toxic effects are destroying us from the inside out. I am speaking of the pollution that is expelled from our mouths.

When I was in high school I developed a bad habit of swearing. I didn’t think it was that bad. It was how I fit in to a crowd without stooping to going out and drinking on the weekends. In college, I continued the habit and could even pull together a string of swear words that sounded almost poetic.

Just about my sophomore year at WVU, my roommate really got my attention. I had always considered him really rough around the edges. So when he said what he did it cut like a knife. It was one of those defining moments in my journey of cleaning up my act. He said, “Wib you swear all the time. I’m embarrassed to be around you sometimes.”

Wow. I could hardly believe my ears. It was time to cut that kind of talk totally out of my verbal repertoire. It took me several months, but I began to find it harder to force the wind through my lips to say the words that once flowed so readily. Now, almost impossible.

I suppose that is why the language I hear today makes me cringe so much. The guy sitting beside me in the airport, in his 40’s, is using every word in the book. He is talking to his wife on his cell phone like no one else is in the room. The words have no honor or respect in them. I wondered to myself if he was going to go home and kiss her with that same mouth.

The words I hear on the TV today are words that some towns still have laws against using in public. Teens use the words in everyday conversations regardless of where they are or who they are around. They seem to care little of their offensive nature. God’s name is used in vain as easily as the pollution poured into the rivers during the 50’s & 60’s. I find myself just shaking my head and wondering, “what is next.”

Nothing detracts from a lady’s beauty as what comes out of her mouth. Nothing dishonors a man as the careless use of the English language. I even have issues with some euphemisms that have now become common expressions, most of which begin with f_____. I believe that what comes out of our mouths often reflects what is in our hearts. I wonder what our language says about the hearts today?

Some would say I am just getting old. I say, I came from a time when modesty and appropriateness were more readily understood and practiced. If you swore, you chose the time and place carefully. It was usually reserved for your peers and never thrown around like candy at a parade. I remember someone telling me that the use of foul language was lazy and a declaration of one’s lack of intelligence. I am deciding that the person’s words were very wise. Meanwhile, I walk through restaurants, airports, movie theaters, and grocery stores, cringing; hoping that someone gets the message I did in college. Then maybe, they won’t have to cringe like I do when they get as old I as I am. Give a Hoot! Don’t Pollute! Stop the pollution one mouth at a time.

My mother had given me a dime to go get some candy. Back then a dime could fill my pockets with all kinds of sweat treats that were not common for me to have. I was four years old and we had just moved into the rent house in this very small city. My mom guided me to the alley that led from the house to the corner store. The alley separated the football field which was in our backyard and the Jr. High/High School. In distance it was probably about 60 yards to the store. To me, it seemed like a mile.

I was able to find my way to the store. The thought of something soft and gooey wrapped in plastic was causing my heart to beat fast. This truly was special and I felt it all through my body. With my head down, focusing on the five items in my hand, I walked out of the store and started home. Suddenly, my excitement turned to panic when I took my gaze off my candy and looked for home. I was lost! I was totally turned around and did not know which way to go. Nothing looked familiar. The joy of the moment had been wiped away.

Along the way to the store, I had been so focused on the promise of a treat, I had forgotten to prepare for the return trip; the complete journey. I found a curb, sat down, and started crying. Even then I was not a person to run around with my head cut off, and knew enough to just be still and sit.

I heard a bell ring from the nearby school. Unaware to me, a young girl came out of the building and saw me quietly weeping on the curb. She sat down beside me and tried to comfort me. She recognized me as the little boy who just moved in down the street from her. She encouraged me to hold her hand and she walked me down the same alley that I had traveled just a few minutes earlier. I never looked up to see her face, but her comforting words and voice were all I needed to trust her.

Thousands of dollars had been spent on the wedding. All aspects of the wedding went beautifully. The couple walks out the door of the church excited about what is before them. As time goes on, they pop their heads out of the clouds only to discover that they are a little lost. The new territory can be frightening and disillusion may set in. They may find themselves wondering where their joy went and if they could ever find it again. They had spent all their time and money preparing for the wedding and little for the journey of the marriage.

Sometimes, marriages that are lost, just need a kind, understanding and compassionate hand. That couple whom you admire, the wise pastor or the trained therapist. Sometimes it is just being still and listening for God’s comforting words and peace. It is not weak to admit you are lost. It is only weak not to ask for directions (BTW- I’m not talking to fellow men about our driving. That’s totally different 😉 )

I made it home safe and sound. It was a significant event in my life that led me to not only focus on the treats that come along my journeys, but also to be prepared for detours and distractions. I know I can always count on these kind of challenges. But I find it comforting that I’m not alone. There is help if I just am able to be still, reach up, and grasp a kind and comforting hand. They are usually very close.