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I hate it when I have to relearn something that I already knew. For instance, a principle of life that I knew once, practiced it, then forgot and had to relearn it.

I was in the pool today and I relearned one of those principles. As I was swimming and people were skiing behind my wake 😉 I noticed that I was just going through the motions with my legs. I was kicking but not a focused, intentional kick. I knew the kick was important but I had forgotten how much. So, as an experiment, I decided to count the strokes it took for me to complete a lap with my regular kick. Then I was going to do the same with the new and improved kick.

What I learned was really amazing. With a more deliberate kick, I was able to reduce my strokes significantly. My intention in swimming is not to win a race, but it did feel good just to have all my body functioning more effectively.

Another part of the body that is greatly underused on a regular basis are our ears. We go through life haphazardly hearing what is going on, but rarely deeply listening. I mean the kind of listening that is deliberate, focused, seeking to understand, and replacing judgment with curiosity. Instead, we go through the motions of listening while getting distracted, becoming defensive, and developing a 10 point rebuttal that includes three songs and a poem.

Here is what I have found. (Get ready because this is profound.) When you do the deliberate listening, truly making it about the other person and what they are trying to say, the relationship moves a lot quicker in a positive direction.  Conflicts are resolved in less time with less damage. But you probably already knew this. Right?

So, another lesson of life relearned. Use my legs more when I swim and my ears more in my relationships. I know my relationships will appreciate the listening, but I might get kicked out of the pool for creating too much wake.

In my office, next to my desk, is a set of banker bookshelves. My wife, Janice, encouraged me to get them since they went with my desk. I really like them but my idea of what to put in them is somewhat limited. I always figured bookshelves were to have books in them. Janice, in her wonderfully creative way, began to interplay the books with pictures, glassware, and other items to “dress up” the shelves.

This beautifully decorated bookshelf has been in my office for 18 months now and I just noticed something. Today, for the very first time, I noticed two objects that I am totally convinced were strategically placed together. One is a Mayan figurine that depicts a man and a woman, facing out, holding each other. This was an object Janice and I bought on our honeymoon in Mexico City. It was a wonderful time for us to explore something together that Janice had once experienced with her parents when she was younger. Except for me getting very sick on our trip back, it was a great and memorable adventure.

Right next to that figurine is an 8 ½”x11″ picture of Janice and me in rain slickers. We are sitting side by side, our heads and backpacks covered to protect it from the cool, rainy morning in Colorado. In the background is the foliage that surrounded our tent which had been home for three days prior. Just moments after the picture was taken, we embarked up one of the Buffalo Peaks close to Buena Vista wearing the packs but shedding the slickers. The rain had subsided and the sun was bright. We reached the top of the mountain and were greeted by a Bighorn Sheep who quickly scampered away. Except for the accident Janice had coming off the mountain as she lost her balance with the heavy pack on the rocking boulders which resulted in a badly sprained ankle, it was a great and memorable adventure.

These items intentionally sit side by side in my bookcase. A reminder of just some of the great times we have had enjoying life together as a couple. As a part of determining how much work will be needed in helping couples that come to me, I often will ask them to share stories of their early years in marriage. The couples who share happy moments, great adventures, and even romanticize the difficult times, I feel confident that the couple have many of the ingredients necessary to make it through another tough time. One of saddest things I have to deal with is the couple that cannot remember anything good; there are no times they enjoyed; there were no victories shared. “Well, how did or do you have fun together,” I’ll ask (crickets chirping). When this happens, I know the chances for success are small though I plod on courageously and hopeful that they will allow God to show up.

If you haven’t sat down with your spouse and reviewed some old pictures in a while, let me encourage you to do so. Tell the stories and remember together. Share them with your kids to show them that parents can and must have fun without them always present. This helps them develop a model for marriage that is very important. Also, don’t always share the good times. Share the hard times as well. The stories of getting through with little money, little time and sometimes with little ones helps the children realize that marriage is for better and for worse. Two people committed to working together and determined to get along can accomplish anything.

My younger son is now married. He is facing a decision that might pull him away from this area in order to make a living for his new family. He looked at his mother and me and asked very seriously if we were going to be okay with him not there. Janice and I looked at each other and smiled. We secretly were thinking of all the times that are reflected on the bookcase and the pile of pictures in the shoebox in our closet. We even imagined the new pictures that might be taken and figurines bought. We assured our concerned and loving son we would be okay. We are not through making memories together.

I updated my computer, which I affectionately named Myrtle, to Windows 8 last weekend. As usual, after an update, I ended up rushing Myrtle to my computer tech. After careful inspection, he informed me that Myrtle was going to be okay.

What happened next was a little alarming. I felt I was being interrogated by CPS (Computer Protection Services). “Why are you running a 32 bit operating system?” “Do you know you are only running at a fraction of what your computer capability?”

These threatening questions were challenging my already inadequate knowledge of computers. Then he finished me off with one final statement. “Most software companies will stop supporting 32 bit.” NO SUPPORT!? It doesn’t matter that I don’t have any idea what he meant. The idea that I could be left alone on some deserted technological island with my outdated Myrtle was overwhelming and downright scary. It reminded me of when I tried to find someone to fix my eight track tape player when everyone was listening to cassettes. My abandonment issues came flooding forth.

Living a life with no support is an idea that is very unappealing to me… in any area of my life. I have been the recipient of wonderful support when I needed it most. My wife broke both of her ankles at the same time when our children were very small. Our Bible class supported me graciously with not only tons of prepared food, but also a freezer in which to keep the bounty.  When my children were teens and acting out pretty badly as some teens do, my really good friends and agencies in the community circled around my wife and I. Their support helped us survive and maintain our own sanity.

I know I have received a lot of support throughout the years. I only hope I have been able to give back to others as much. For there to be balance in our world, there needs to be the receiving and giving of support. A “checkup” call to an aging neighbor is usually received as a precious gift. Slowing down our hectic pace to catch up on the activities of your neighbor’s children sends a clear message of sincere interest.

It doesn’t take much effort to thank the stocker at the store for handing you the peas. Listening graciously as granny complains again about the food at her care facility, means more to her than you probably realize.  Such actions seem so small, but in today’s world, they are so important.  Never underestimate the value of even the slightest display.

We are not meant to live in a vacuum. Our friends and our neighbors need our support in ways that in ages past seemed to come more naturally. Believe me… the idea of NO SUPPORT is not a pleasant thought. Just ask me and Myrtle.

“Scratch the surface of most cynics and you find a frustrated idealist – someone who made the mistake of converting his ideals into expectations”. (Peter Senge, The Fifth Discipline, p 146)

“The older you are when you die, the smaller your funeral.” I don’t know who said that but I have seen instances where that has been true. However, I don’t think that has to be the case. I agree that if your friends are all your age or older and as time passes, you could outlive them.

My wife and I sat in one of the fancier restaurants in Amarillo sharing a dessert. The whole night had been wonderful as it was filled with great conversation and loving stares over candelight. After the wonderful meal we had decided on our dessert together. It was an easy discussion, one that we have had many times before. We know what each other likes very well. Janice will always look for a cheesecake or something very chocolate. I also love the brown, gooey stuff but will venture into unknown territory if the mood strikes me. Tonight we were in a fancy restaurant and didn’t want to splurge on two separate items so we quickly decided on this chocolate dessert with raspberry sauce.

I heard of a man who was having dinner with his wife and decided he wanted dessert. Without asking his wife if she wanted anything he ordered what he wanted and then dismissed the waitress. His wife was surprised by his actions and asked if she could get an after meal treat. He said that she could have some of his. She asked, “But what if I don’t like what you ordered.” He simply replied, “You can order next time.” She was really taken aback because this is how they had been doing marriage for years. He got what he wanted and didn’t even concern her in the process.

Janice and I thoroughly enjoyed our decadent decision with every mouthful. I did smile in the middle of one spoonful as I thought about the story of this man and his selfishness. He might have enjoyed many things in his life, including the dessert he ordered. But I venture to say he has never enjoyed the pleasure of two spoons in the same dessert desired by those same two people. A decision that seems so insignificant. More importantly, a decision that reflects the mood in the marriage. Oneness, togetherness, cooperation, and consideration. It’s not really that difficult… at least for some.