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My View Of Heaven

I have really enjoyed the Sunday series on “Heaven”. What I have really enjoyed is rediscovering what the Bible says about this wonderful place that is to come. I have found myself daydreaming about this new heaven and new earth that is going to come down and replace what we have now. I hope I get to run again the way I use to when I was 19. I even hope that we have competitive sports, snorkeling on a barrier reef, coconut cream pie, and cold days by the fireplace. Everything that I have enjoyed and hope to enjoy on this earth, I hope to experience even better in heaven.

I also am looking forward to what will be absent.

No more weeping, no more pain, no more death. I’ll be out of a job. That sounds really good. I wonder what I will do. Sitting on a cloud playing a harp all day is not going to cut it for me.

I hope I still get dirty, sweat and feel the strain in my muscles followed by a cold glass of water. No more envy over someone else’s bank account or home by the beach. No more bills!!! No more fear of rejection or being abandoned. I hope I do get to be alone sometimes though. I get a little frazzled when I’m around people all the time.

Peace. Real peace. Everlasting, “will not go away because of a situation” peace. No loneliness. No boredom. I kind of want to be hungry sometimes. NO FAT!!! I wonder what I will look like. I hope it looks more like the younger me. Maybe there won’t be any mirrors in heaven. No vanity.

I also would like to be tired after a long day of work or play. I would also love to be able to get a good night’s rest and wake up feeling totally alive. No more restless, sleepless nights. No more allergies, dry eyes, headaches or disease. Doctors will join me in the unemployment line.

I wonder what kind of job placement and retraining programs they will have in heaven. I really like work. We were made to work. God works. I wonder what kind of work there will be. I hope I don’t get assigned to the plumbing area.

I hope animals are in heaven, especially dogs. Another job I don’t want is picking up after them. I did enough of that on this earth.

I wonder if I’ll be able to sing better in heaven. I would like to be able to play the piano. Hopefully I’ll enjoy practicing a lot more than I did here. Never really wanted to paint or sculpt. But I do enjoy looking at art. Will impressionists be allowed in heaven? My wife will be really sad if there are not some really good novels in heaven. She might even like to write one. Since she likes historical fiction, she should have plenty of people to talk to that could help her with her research. I hope we won’t know everything all at once. Half of the fun of doing that writing for her will be the research.

I think I would really like to learn to fly. I’d even like to use an airplane on occasion. Swimming under water for more than a minute would be exciting also. Do you think we will be able to breathe underwater? Wouldn’t that be different? I’m kind of fond of oxygen presently.

I wonder who I will bump into in heaven. Other than Jesus (of course), I would love to have some lengthy conversations with Paul, John and Joshua. I really don’t know who else will be there, but I hope I’ll see Thomas Jefferson and Abe Lincoln. I would love to listen to Ben Franklin and Will Rogers. Hopefully there will be some present day politicians there. I have some serious questions I would like to ask them. For instance, how did we get so far away from God in our society? I also want to corner some of the brilliants minds of today and ask why we don’t have a car that gets 100 mpg yet.

There are two rooms I want to visit when I get to heaven. The first room is the “Why” room. Why did President Kennedy and Abe Lincoln get shot? Why did my friend’s son die so young? Some questions would be less serious. Why did the dinosaurs all die… or did they? Why do we need mosquitoes? Where do crop circles come from? Are there Aliens and are they in heaven also?

The second is the “What would have happened if…” room. What would have happened if I had gone to Annapolis instead of WVU? What would have happened if I had studied hard enough to become a doctor? Actually that would be in the “why” room under, “why couldn’t I concentrate on my studies more?”

I enjoy thinking about what heaven will be like. I can’t wait to get there. I know it is going to be better than I could ever imagine. It makes me want to take as many people with me as I can. But I think I would like to see my grandchildren first. Oh, no selfishness in heaven either.

Prayers That Keeps Us Stuck

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When people hear me talk about how their prayers are keeping them miserable and stuck, they look at me as though I’m a reprobate. I quickly say that it is not that they are praying that keeps them stuck. That’s good. That’s great!!! The problem comes when their prayers never change. Imagine the following scenarios:

1. Father is working diligently on son’s bike. Son comes and pleads with his father to “please fix my bike.” Father is working on it and is confused as to why he is asking him to do something he is already doing.

2. Wife confesses and apologizes for her inappropriate actions against her husband. He hears her and whole heartedly forgives her. She continues to plead for his forgiveness months later despite his continual reminding her of his forgiveness.

3. Employee believes his employer expects perfection. The employee becomes very anxious and concentrates only on what he is not doing perfectly instead of on what he is doing right. The employee finally quits his jobs because of the pressure.

What does this have to do with prayer? Well, I deal a lot with people who struggle with guilt, depression, and anxiety. They deal with frustration that their pain never seems to go away even though they are constantly praying to God for the pain to be gone. They pray for a change in their behavior that they know needs changed, such as anger, suspicion, worry, negative thoughts, gossip, mind reading, impatience, etc. Nothing seems to change despite worn out knees. Hope is replaced with hopelessness. What was strong faith now is doubt.

Consider changing your prayers. Instead of praying that He would act upon the things you are asking Him to do in you, why not thank Him for what He is doing. What I am suggesting is the prayer becomes a realization of God’s power and recognition that He is working regardless of what you are feeling and seeing. For instance, a grieving mother after several years of the loss of her child, begins to change her prayer from “Please remove this pain,” to “Thank you for helping me each day find a little more peace.” The husband who is praying for a change in his heart toward his wife begins to pray, “Thank you for preparing my heart for change. I don’t feel it yet, but I know you are working.” Even the parent who is praying for their adult child to get their act together but is seeing little positive change, could change the prayers from “Please”, to “I know Father, you love them more than I could ever and I know you are working on their hearts as I have asked. I look forward to seeing how you are going to get their attention in ways I have not.”

Now, this is not “name it and claim it” theology or just “positive thinking.” I have difficulty with believing that just because I want something that God will say, “Yes”. I know His love for me is deeper than being such a permissive and enabling Father. What I am suggesting is that our prayers keep us doubting God’s activity in our lives and the lives of others. We get so caught up in expecting things to painlessly happen immediately that we forget our view of time is different than God’s. Not to mention how we think things should take place. Prayers of hope and thanksgiving while taking in the long view of life, have a positive impact on our personal peace. As Paul said:

Philippians 4:6,7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I have recently been reminded that the prayer does not insure things will be fixed my way. Paul is saying that praying while also being thankful is therapeutic in itself. What I am suggesting is a way to be thankful in your prayers to get our hearts unstuck.

I would love to hear your comments and even stories of how you changed your prayers and the affects it had on you.

My Good Friend Doug

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It has been three years since Doug, my good friend, died. To describe him as a good friend is quite different than how we both would have described our relationship before we reconnected three and a half years ago.

I had joined Facebook in an attempt to connect with some old High School classmates. My graduating class was preparing for their 40^th reunion back in my home state of West Virginia. My class of around 170 had scattered across the globe and this medium was helping them reconnect. As we were beginning to “friend” each other, I saw that Doug was already on Facebook. It was only natural I asked him to “friend me”.

Now Doug and I were not really that close through High School. In fact, Doug wasn’t close to anyone of whom I was aware. He and I were on the same sprint relay team and competed at the state level. He and I shared running back responsibilities on the football team. But that was as far as it went. Honestly, Doug was the guy of whom everyone kept clear. He always seemed angry. I remember him outside the War Memorial building during a dance just as drunk and belligerent as one could get. He always seemed to be in trouble at school, walking in the front door and out the back. He and the principal, Mr. Mullet, were often seen having serious discussions together. I always kept Doug at an arm’s length but we were never hateful toward each other.

Doug’s response to my friend request really surprised me. He snapped back a confusing comment about why I wanted to be his friend. I innocently asked for a clarification and he again lashed back at me. I felt like I wanted to unpack this issue between him and me and so I gave him my phone number to call.

I was glad when he called me back. He almost immediately went back to our school’s fifth year reunion, at which I don’t even remember being present. He remembered me snubbing him and acting like I didn’t even know him. He had held that inside of him for almost 40 years and was still seething over it. He was positive we had shared in this interaction and the resentment was still alive.

The next two hours was me trying to get closer to him while he kept pushing me away with his words. He let me explain that if I had done what he said, it probably spoke more about my issues than his. I apologized for my actions and let him know that I realized how deeply my actions hurt him. Then he began to share what his life had been like. As he shared the distance between our two locations seemed insignificant, he in Pennsylvania and I in Texas.

When he was growing up, Doug struggled with an undiagnosed learning disability which made certain subjects very difficult to learn in a traditional setting. His grades were poor which were in stark comparison to his honor society older siblings. He was far from dumb. He learned calculus over the course of a few weekends through his mother who was one of our advanced math teachers. I also seem to remember him telling me of some very unhealthy family relationships that caused him even more emotional pain.

While listening to his story, I remember him vividly saying, “Wib, I have been an angry drunk for over 40 years.” My heart sank as I heard his pain. He had tried to hold together jobs and relationships. During the time of this conversation, he was helping his wife raise some horses and trying to keeping his family together.

Doug and I talked almost every weekend for the next four months. We shared stories from our past and insights into the present world. We talked religion, politics while he also shared his talent in creating jewelry. Over those four months, we became very good friends. The resentment was gone. I encouraged him to start Alcoholics Anonymous and he had made several of the meetings. I told him he could beat this addiction and he began to understand how his resentment and anger over the years were the reasons for his drinking.

They say that resentment is like drinking poison and expecting it to kill the other person. During one of our calls, he told me that his liver and kidneys were shutting down because of his alcohol abuse. I knew that it wasn’t the alcohol that was going to take his life. He had let go of the resentment too late.

I said goodbye for good to my friend over the phone while he laid in his bed at home, barely able to carry on the conversation. Two days later he slipped quietly away in his sleep. This was probably the first glimpse of peace he had enjoyed since playing as a child. I missed seeing Doug in person when I went to the reunion that summer. While I did enjoy seeing many of my old friends and sharing some stories, it was Doug I wanted to see most.

Our lives are too short and friendships too precious to allow resentment to destroy us. They do destroy us; the bearer of those resentments. They do not hurt anyone else. So, to all those family members, business associates, and friends who wronged you at one time or another, let the resentment go. It will kill you. And it might even be keeping you from experiencing a joy you were unaware was available. Thank you, Doug, for snapping back at me on Facebook. Thank you for the friendship we enjoyed for 4 months.

What Makes Marriages Intensives So Special

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Sue and John arrive at Rick Husband International Airport at two different times, two different airlines, from two different departure cities. Steve Trafton picks them up and welcomes them to Amarillo with his friendly West Texas smile and draw.. The couple barely looks at each and only politely smiles at Steve. Steve thinks to himself, “They are right where they need to be.”

They are coming from another state which feels like a world away from the flat plans that Steve escorts them through. They take the scenic route through Claude and head west over a couple dips in the road we call hills. Sue and John are not impressed. They have invested time and money to try to save a marriage that is hanging on a thread. Sue had admitted to an affair months ago, but really had checked out of the marriage a year ago. John, in his typical “take charge” manner, convinced her to try this marriage intensive. Both look out their back seat windows, looking at nothing but sky and different shades of brown questioning to themselves what they were getting themselves into.

Steve takes a left turn on a county dirt road. After a few minutes of stirring up dust, they enter the gates of the Hideaway Experience. A few more feet they see the Palo Duro Canyon and beautiful, welcoming lodge that resembles as oasis in a desert. There waiting for them is Steve’s wife, Rajan. They recognize that melodic voice from several investigative phone calls they had made; trying to make sure that this was the place for them.

They are ushered to their private room that is decorated in an elegant rustic Texas style. After getting a little settled they take the short walk to the main lodge where they are now sitting down with three other couples, all wearing the same nervous and protective smile; all wondering if these four days with these strangers are really going to make a difference in their marriage.

I have done marital therapy for over 25 years…the traditional way… the only way I thought you could do it. Hour after hour, week after week, couples would come in to my office, and share their problems and pathological ways of dealing with issues. In turn, I would listen, intervene, teach skills, and send them on their way and then see them a week or two later with the hopes they would follow through with what had been discussed in session. I still do therapy like this. However, as often as possible, I suggest to couples the option of a “Marriage Intensive”; a type of “Boot Camp” for couples in trouble.

The fall of 2006, I was introduced to this new way of doing marital therapy. It had been done in two other parts of the country with great success. I was chosen along with a few other marriage therapists in the Amarillo area to look at this new model; a model that incorporated a group of four couples, two therapists, for four days. We wondered how a group filled with hurting marriages would work because we already knew how much shame ruled people’s lives. Wouldn’t a group be too threatening?

Well, this leads me to a short list of reasons why the marriage intensives are so special. #1 –Group Experience. Your problems are seen in context with everyone else’s. You are not that different or strange. Addictions, affairs, betrayals, control, pain; problematic ways of communicating; forgiveness and trust issues; hopelessness and despair are all typical human conditions. Couples discover that their condition is more common than they believed. There is immediately some comfort in that.

The group experience also offers a unique opportunity to been known deeply by people you will probably never see again. People have come from all across the country and several foreign countries to the Hideaway. We are not meant to live in a vacuum, although many of us do in our society today. Within moments of couples sharing their stories with others, their shame is lifted. Acceptance and compassion of each other is the norm at the intensive. The couples who attend often admit that no one knows them as deeply as those whom they shared meals, stories, and intimate conversations over these four days.

#2-Safety. The hosts & therapists go to great lengths to make sure safety is present for all involved. All emotions are accepted; judgment is replaced with curiosity; respect and honor fills the room. With safety in place, people go to private rooms in their own heart that before they were unaware existed. Once expressed verbally, they are often amazed at the personal impact this has along with the grace with which the group accepts them.

While I was making a teaching point during one of our group settings, it was obvious that what I had said sent Jane into a bad place. (“Jane” is not her real name and this story represents several people who have had this happen to them during the course of a group setting.) I watched her withdraw from the group interaction. During a break I approached to see what was going on. She began to cope with her pain the same way she had been coping in her marriage that brought her to the Hideaway. Gently and patiently I positioned and presented myself as safe as possible for her. It took about 15 minutes, but she worked through the issue. It was the safety of the environment that helped her see clearly how her coping style was causing so much more pain for her.

#3- Sequestered Environment. One of the frustrating elements of the traditional therapy model is that it is squeezed into a weekly, 50 minute session. A couple comes in, we redevelop rapport, proceed with the business of that session, and then they leave. Whatever pains, insights or new skills that was gone over in the session often takes a back seat to the pressures of work, dealing with kids, paying bills, and all types of media clambering for your attention . At an intensive, the couples are in a remote location with limited access to media. Couples are encouraged to refrain from business calls, checking emails, or generally being distracted from the business at hand… their marriage. For four days the couples opens themselves and their marriages up to do the work needed without the chaos of the world. Many people reconnect spiritually to God. Others find a peace they had forgotten existed.

#4-Service. Steve and Rajan utilize their gifts of hospitality from the moment a couple makes contact with them through phone or email. It continues as they carry guest bags to the rooms; provide four star meals; and a variety of other special touches. Everything they do is to emphasize something that many people forget… you are special. How important is this to a person who is ashamed of what they have done to their marriage or is overwhelmed with feelings of hopelessness about the future?

If I had my way, I would have every couple that comes to me for therapy to consider investing in a marriage intensive. What that couple receives during those four days takes me 4-6 months to give in private sessions. And still, they don’t get everything the intensive has to offer in my office. It is a great way to help a marriage move from hopelessness to one full of hope.

If you would like more information about this great experience, I would encourage you to look at www.thehideawayexperience.com. There are others out there, but this is the one with which I work closely. Also, I would be glad to answer any questions you might have. Just call me at my office at (806) 350-5867.

Missing The Point: Homosexuality

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I recently attended a workshop where this excerpt from Tony Campolo was shared. It touched me deeply for a variety of reasons. I wanted to share it with my readers. -Wib

“MISSING THE POINT: HOMOSEXUALITY”

by Tony Campolo*

What critics of my beliefs about homosexuality do not understand is that I’m trying to make up for a horrendous failure during high school.

Roger was gay, we all knew it, and we all make his life miserable. When we passed him in the hall, we called out his name effeminately, we made the crude gestures, and we made him the brunt of cheap jokes. He never took showers in PE, because he knew we’d whip him with wet towels.

I wasn’t there, though, the day they dragged Roger into the shower room, and shoved him into the corner. Curled up there, he cried and begged for mercy as five guys urinated on him.

The reports said that Roger went to bed that night as usual, and that sometime around two in the morning he got up, went down to the basement of his house, and hanged himself.

On that day I realized that I wasn’t a Christian. I was a theologically sound evangelical, believed all points of the Apostle’s Creed, declared Jesus to be my Savior. But if the Holy Spirit had actually been in me, I would have stood up for Roger. When the guys came to make fun of him, I would have put one arm around Roger’s shoulders, waved the guys off with the other and told them to leave him alone, to not mess with him, because he was my friend.

But I was afraid to be Roger’s friend. I knew that if I stood up for a homosexual, people say cruel things about you, too. So I kept my distance. If I hadn’t, who knows if Roger might be alive today.

I’m not asking that Christians gloss over biblical teachings, nor we justify same-gender eroticism. I am simply reminding Christians that we are supposed to love people- even those we have been socially conditioned to despise. I am calling Christians to reach out and show kindness and affection toward their homosexual neighbors…

* From McLaren, Brian D & Tony Campolo. Adventures in Missing the Point:

How the Culture-Controlled Church Neutered the Gospel. Grand Rapids:

Zondervan, 2003, pp. 177-78.

Making Your Marriage Drought Resistant

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I was raised in lush and green West Virginia. One didn’t have to go far to find a stream, spring, pond, lake or river. If you could find full sun (which often was a problem), stick a seed in the ground and watch it grow with little or no tending. IN CONTRAST, consider the panhandle of Texas, where I have lived for 18 years. It is beautiful in its own right, once you get use to different shades of brown. Water is scarce, dirt is mostly clay on top of rock, and the sun is scorching.

This past year, like many parts of the country, we experienced a severe drought. Some parts saw absolutely no rain for over a year. Crops were either destroyed or of poor quality. Finally it rained. The skies finally opened up and poured out… a ¼” of liquid. People were actually smiling and walking with a hopeful bounce in their step.

A lady sitting across from her husband, hoping that something can take place that is positive between the two, admitted that he had done some things well. Then she says, “Just because it rained a ¼” doesn’t mean the drought is over.” We, in the middle of the drought plagued land, know this reality all too well. A ¼” of rain doesn’t stop a drought. A few kind gestures do not revive a relationship that has been ignored for years.

Droughts happen; a period of dryness because of a variety of reasons. A spouse is deployed overseas; a child is sick and demands special attention for a long period of time; a two income family is down to one and the necessities of life are barely met. The marriage is put on hold to take care of these more pressing issues. Droughts happen to strong and weak marriages alike. So what are the differences between a marriage that withstands the droughts of life and one that does not?

There is nothing more pathetic than to drive through farmland and notice a single, volunteer, dried up, and ignored stalk of corn. There is also nothing more inspiring that to see a field filled with green, tall stalks tasseled out with plump ears. Marriages that AVOID ISOLATION and involve themselves in healthy community, find themselves growing while also encouraging others to grow. Together, they shade the parched ground, prevent weeds that threaten, and actually help the soil improve through time. Community helps prop us up during the hot winds that blow during difficult times. We are not meant to live in a vacuum and that goes for marriages as well. Yes, your partner might be your best friend, but marriages are not meant to be your “everything”.

During the hottest time of this past year, I would find myself driving through dust clouds. What was amazing about this was that these clouds were intentionally created by farmers disking their land. The dust that this kicked up was really a sign of the farmer keeping the dirt workable. The fields were barren, but if a crop was to be seeded again soon, the ground needed to be kept from getting hard. In Scriptures, the heart is portrayed as soil (Matt 13:7-9) Different kinds of soil produce different kinds of results. CHECK YOUR SOIL (HEART). A personal inventory is always wise to determine if your heart is getting hard or if it is open to receiving nutrients. Is it closed off or is it workable? Are you getting resentful during this drought or are you doing the personal work to keep your heart soft toward the other? You have to be vigilant to make sure yours is not getting so hard that it is going to take years to soften it back up. This means that you must be responsible for the condition of your heart. No fair blaming your partner for your hard heart.

KEEP IT FERTILIZED. (Hold all jokes about manure). I only have to look out my front window to see the affects the dry conditions has on my lawn. The nutrients in the ground deplete more quickly in those conditions so fertilizing is important if you want to keep your yard or crop. The difference between happy couples and unhappy couples is not the amount of bad that occurs in the marriage. It is the amount of good that they keep pouring into the marriage. Experts have determined that a ratio of 5:1 should be maintained to keep a zero balance. That is, for every dumb thing you do to hurt your marriage you need to make sure you put back 5 good things. It is always wiser to have more in your relationships “bank account” than zero. I have found that depending on how dumb or hurtful the offense will determine how many positives need to be put back into the relationship. Forgetting the milk for breakfast will demand a lot smaller restitution than if I forget my wife’s birthday (duh!). You have to be intentional about fertilizing the relationship. Just practice the fruit of the Spirit found in Galatians 5:22, 23: love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Pouring these nutrients in the relationship when there is a drought will go a long way in keeping the marriage strong.

We all know plants need water to keep them alive and growing. The key to good watering is to water deeply. I am surprised to see my neighbors who water their yard everyday but all it does is hit the top of the ground. The water makes the grass look greener for a moment but the grass is not really getting healthier and stronger. WATER DEEPLY! Even if done less often, is actually better for your plants. With couples, watering deep includes connecting on a deeper, emotional level. I am not a big believer in always sharing your deep feelings all the time. That just wears me out. But, I do believe that being transparent, honest, open, willing to take an emotional risk, and being vulnerable are capacities for closeness that must be the norm. This deeper connection is what makes the difference between a superficial relationship or a deeper, significant one. The deeper the connection, the more likely it will survive (and often thrive) during a drought. Sometimes just sharing how much you miss the other person, a short glance of desire, or even a heartfelt appreciation for the other’s sacrifice during the drought is all the watering that will need to be done.

Droughts will happen, but you can take these few simple steps to becoming a marriage that withstands the drought. It will rain again… sometime. But until it does, AVOID ISOLATION, CHECK YOUR SOIL (HEART), FERTILIZE, and WATER DEEPLY.