This article gives great news for Christian marriages. Read on.
Master of The Universe
I am just convinced that some people think that walking out their marriage with a critical, negative bent toward their spouse is actually making their marriage better. If their spouse would just sweep the
floor this way, do the laundry like they were told, shop at the other store or listen to their unsolicited instructions on doing life more intensely, their lives together would be filled with bliss. They can recount 100 things their partner does wrong and needs to correct and cannot verbalize 10 things their partner does that was good. Somehow, this is supposed to create a loving atmosphere at home? Not even close.
What causes people to be so negative; that encourages them to use their perceived “God given gift” of criticism; and to follow their criticism with control? It does seem that criticism attaches itself to control at the hip. Let me suggest a few possibilities. First, they believe that they know how to run the universe better than anyone else. Their way of doings things is best and when someone suggests or does something different, it is met with resistance. They really do believe they know better than anyone else. It is not a matter of a preference. It is a matter of the right or wrong way of doing things and they know what is right or wrong.
I remember a man who was so frustrated with his wife because she would never make enough vegetable soup so that they could freeze the left overs. He would let her know in no uncertain terms hi
s disgust with this pattern of hers. “I know,” I said. “If she would just do life your way it would all be better.” He agreed and then he realized that I was being sarcastic. He did finally get the po
int but not until his wife quit making the soup altogether.
Second, they are filled with anxiety because they believe that if it is not done their way, the world will come to an end. The mountains will crumple, the seas will flood, and the sky will fall. They have figured that the way they do things are somehow keeping the universe in balance. Any disturbance of this balance will be catastrophic.
Third, not only do they know how to run the universe, but they are responsible for keeping it going in a positive direction. They fear being out of control and failing at their job of being Master of the Universe. That is why they walk around with their clipboard and stopwatch making sure every little detail meets their specifications. They cannot fall asleep on the job so they have to maintain their hyper-vigilance.
Last, people become hyper critical of their spouses because they really are afraid of letting them get too close. Maybe they are afraid of intimacy so they throw up quills to keep people away. I am not sure why they decided to get married but I do see them begin to unconsciously push their spouse away with their spirit of discontent. They say they want to be close to their spouse but their actions speak louder than their words.
So, for all those people who have control and critical issues… give it a rest. Control is an illusion anyway. Take it from a recovering controller. When you leave this earth, it will still spin without you. So just learn to relax a little and enjoy the ride. You will be a lot more pleasant to be around. That will probably have more of a positive influence on the atmosphere of your marriage than all your attempts to control the universe.
Raising “Us”
Raising children is probably one of the most challenging jobs I have ever had. I have backpacked over mountains, survived three-a-day football practices in scorching heat, and I have swum out of frigid rushing waters to safety. All of these experiences pale to the amount of energy and time that I have expended as a parent.
However, that was what I signed up for when I decided to be a parent. I might not have realized all that parenting entailed, but once I held my first child in my arms, those responsibilities began. If I did not feed, clothe, hold, protect and play with this child, it would not thrive and he may even die. It never crossed my mind to 
deny what both of my boys needed to become mature and fit. As parents, Janice and I made decisions on what was best for the boys; not what I wanted or what she wanted; what was going to help them grow.
The same is true for my marriage. When Janice and I married, before we had children, a new entity was born. This entity was “us”. We began to make decisions on what was best for the “us” which meant that our own selfish desires were set aside. It was no longer about me or about her. It was about growing and maturing the “us”.
The same amount of energy and time that we naturally expected to spend on our children was just as needed on the “us”. We needed to play, spend time with each other, nurture, learn to make decisions together and much more. My selfish desires had to be bridled and redirected.
I never lost my own identity nor did Janice lose herself. We found another identity that was greater and more powerful than either one of us was separately. A friend of mine tells a story of him sitting across the table with one of his mentors. This mentor’s wife had just passed away. This man said, “I will miss her deeply, but I will miss even more what we were together.” He missed the uniqueness of their “us”.
I am amazed at how many couples when asked how much time they spend nurturing their relationship, shake their head in shame and disbelief. When you decided to get married, you signed up for a journey in developing a brand new entity. It takes a lot of time and energy. If your marriage was a child, would it be on life support right now? It may be time to reevaluate where your efforts are going.
Please don’t end up like many couples who spend so much of their focus on their children that they ignore their marital relationship. One of the highest divorce rates is among couples married 25 years or more for this very reason. Remember, you signed up for it. It might have been more than you had expected. But just as you wouldn’t discard your child because he/she was too much trouble, you must not discard your marriage either. It is just as valuable.